When I talk to a group of women or even a single woman I’m often surprised at what they think they need in their lives to feel better.

For women who are in jobs they dislike I often hear “I need a side gig to turn into something to get me out of here”, meaning their job. They often see going into business themselves or a new job as a way to save themselves and their sanity.

Or they reach out to self-help to save their minds. They devour books, talks, and yoga retreats as a way to fix themselves. They think if they could just fix themselves they would feel better.

The other group of women want to leave their marriage or relationship but live in fear. So they think if they had more money it could mean a way out. Or if they could find somebody better they could get out.

The truth in all of these things is that nothing can save you that is outside of yourself. We also look to our circumstances as conditions that are permanent. We think that if we “do” something or make something happen our conditions will change. The funny thing about that is our conditions are result of our thoughts and what we make them mean.

I’m reminded of a quote that I heard but cannot remember the author it went like this “pain is inevitable, suffering is optional”. We look at our current situation as suffering when in reality it’s not actually what’s happening. We are suffering because of our thoughts around our reality. And that’s not the place from which change and growth occurs.

Believing that starting a business on the side will free you from the suffering of your daily job, is creating another kind of suffering. You’re pressuring yourself to create something to get you out of what feels uncomfortable. You’d be better off taking a lot of time to work on yourself and nurture your creative seeds than pressuring yourself to jump into something so you can escape what you think is wrong for you. When it feels good, you’ll know it because it won’t feel like an escape it will feel natural.

Believing that a book can save you from your restless mind is also a common myth and it’s just a way to distract yourself from what you feels wrong with you. It seems like if you can just find the right prescription you can just fix all that is “bad” about you.

I generally don’t even feel comfortable in yoga classes because it seems like a lot of forced relaxation, and sometimes when I pick up self-help books it feels like too many rules.

What I learned is I can save myself by understanding that I am in control of my reality, not another person, not a book, and not the money I make. I can create great relationships, make more money, and do wonderful things for myself but that comes from me. Not from something outside that I put force into to happen for me.

I watch women spend a lot of time, money, and energy trying to get to some idealized place. What I’ve learned is it’s better to focus on saving yourself. That can be hard because as women we spend a lot of time not only trying to fix and perfect ourselves, but trying to better those around us. We know were smart and capable and we just can’t figure out why we can’t get the result we’re looking for.

Stop spending your time, energy, and money trying to escape your job, perfect your relationships and fix everything that’s wrong with you. The only way to feel good is to learn to accept yourself, become responsible for your decisions, and take action from a place that feels natural, not reactive.

People often think if they go to a coach they will automatically fix them and tell them what to do.

What a coach really does is to support you in getting to your highest potential by figuring out what’s right for you. By helping you save yourself.

Look for what’s right with you right now. Get supported. Then move forward with grace and ease.