Why You Need To Leave Him Out of It

Man on Beach with Dog
When I am talking to a new client and she says I can’t do it because he wouldn’t like it or it would hurt his feelings, I cringe.

These women aren’t unintelligent nor are they week. They are just straight out people pleasers (sometimes not even knowing it) and perfectionists who are so concerned with the feelings of others that they often self sabotage themselves.

I know this because I was one of these women.

I was always worried about hurting his feelings. If I felt something seemed to bother him, I would either try to make it better or not do it so there would be no friction. Nobody asked me to do this nor were they even angry when they made a request, I just felt I couldn’t say no. My intuitive self  felt underlying tension within them or uncertainty and I felt I was responsible for making them feel better.

The problem was I never focused on what made me feel better.

Which was the beginning of the end of these relationships. The reason being if you can’t stand up for what feels right for you and be who you are, the relationship is doomed.

If you are making relationships decisions and career decisions based on how the other person would be affected or if their feelings would be hurt, you’re crushing your own dreams.

I am not saying don’t consult with your partner or husband on things like a career change or wanting to sell your home, these things need to be discussed.

What I am saying is don’t fold on your dreams because it doesn’t fit the other person’s agenda.

There has to be a compromise on both sides. It can’t just be you changing and modifying your vision of the future for what makes them feel more comfortable.

In working with women over the years I’ve heard it all from “I want to leave this relationship but I know he would be so hurt and not get over it” to “I want to change my career but I can’t because he needs my income to sustain his career focus.”

What I’ve learned is the simple fact: when you do what you want, they get over it.

In fact there was a relationship I wanted to leave for years but I was so worried that the other person wouldn’t be able to make it without me. I thought their feelings would be so hurt that they would never find someone else and I stuck in there though I wasn’t happy. When I finally left I saw they were able to have a life without me and were in some ways happier.

Furthermore if I had focused on myself more during the relationship instead of being so worried about their needs all the time, we might’ve actually grown more as a couple instead of stagnating.

If you’re looking to make a big life change instead of focusing on the feelings of everyone around you spend some time focusing on yourself. Really figure out what you need and want.

Notice where you feel uncomfortable in talking to the people in your life about it.

Find where you can negotiate their needs and your needs. I’m not one to tell you to jump ship because things aren’t going your way, I think there can be compromise and a beautiful flow, but you have to work for it, not just people please and push it under the rug.

When you’ve done that work most important thing to know in the next phase is: don’t settle. Ever.

If you can’t make it work even though you’ve try your best, don’t just give in to make things easier on you or the other person. This is your life and the last thing you want to do is to be 80 and look back and say I should have done it so much differently.

Share this:Share on Facebook0Tweet about this on Twitter0Share on Google+0Share on LinkedIn0Pin on Pinterest0Share on StumbleUpon0Share on TumblrEmail this to someone

One Comment on Why You Need To Leave Him Out of It

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *


You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>