Were you the good child?
Were you always trying to do the “right” thing so an parent (who was probably unstable emotionally) didn’t get upset?
Did you bully yourself into perfection? You didn’t need any bullies because you were always you worst self critic.
You probably isolated yourself a lot too, because it was easier than experiencing the tension that you felt from others. You may have been a tad bit shy, but most of your reserved nature came from uncertainty of your environment.
All this stuffed up emotion, is hurting you, even now as an adult.
It’s time to stop.
You have the right to [...]
One of my clients told me recently that she felt she was broken at one point in her past.
It struck me how many of us think that we’re broken… we label ourselves as being somehow bad.
We’re too emotional, too weak or just not meeting our potential.
Her words brought me back to a time when I thought I was broken. Virtually everything in my life fell away all at once. I didn’t really even have time to think about it or process what was happening, I had to just keep moving on.
Months later I found myself at a doctors office and [...]
He told me I was rude…
By “he” I mean a subscriber to my list who felt obliged to tell me that I was wrong .
When I saw the words on the page, my fingers immediately went to the reply button to respond. I had to let him know exactly what I meant so he understood my point of view.
That’s when it hit me… people pleasing again.
As women were are taught not to be rude. Not to say things that would hurt other people’s feelings or be perceived as aggressive. If we are perceived that way, we have to correct ourselves [...]
When you find yourself constantly trying to fix someone else’s anger problem, please remind yourself of this:
Your anger is not my problem.
For as long as I can remember I have had a highly attuned sense to people’s emotions. Between family and friends I have been around more than a fair share of angry people. What I didn’t realize is that I was part of the problem.
I tried to fix their anger because it made me uncomfortable. This fixing behavior caused me boat loads of grief, as I constantly searched for ways to avoid being uncomfortable around somebody else’s anger.
No more. [...]
After signing up to work with me, a female client quietly whispered: “Is it OK if I don’t want to do something really big in my career? What I don’t want to move up to Director or something like that? Is it OK if my only goal is to feel good?”
This is where some coaches fail with their clients.
In the personal development world we see all these quotes and blog posts about how we need to be getting better, bigger, and letting go of anything were afraid of. If we don’t, we’re just living in fear.
The fact is I [...]
The biggest way to change your life is through the way you talk to and about yourself.
I have found there are two distinct ways we talk to ourselves. One is through emotional trigger words and the other is through power words.
Can you guess which one women focus on more?
Yep it’s the emotional trigger words.
We often debilitate ourselves with words and its emotionally draining.
It’s not that emotions are bad; in fact they are a good thing. It’s when we allow our reactions to our emotions to run wild in our mind that we get stuck. The result from that is almost [...]
I’ve been hiding most of my life.
I hid behind my marriage and perfect looking life. I hid by my ability to make sure I always said the right thing. I hid by not engaging in conflict when it was necessary because I didn’t want to look like the bad girl.
I hid behind books, isolation and other activities that would keep me away from people.
I never asked for help.
And honestly nobody thought I ever needed it.
I was so damn scared of being vulnerable I just pretended that I was OK all the time. My standard answer was I was “FINE”.
When I am talking to a new client and she says I can’t do it because he wouldn’t like it or it would hurt his feelings, I cringe.
These women aren’t unintelligent nor are they week. They are just straight out people pleasers (sometimes not even knowing it) and perfectionists who are so concerned with the feelings of others that they often self sabotage themselves.
I know this because I was one of these women.
I was always worried about hurting his feelings. If I felt something seemed to bother him, I would either try to make it better or not do [...]
As a life coach I am fully aware of what creates outcomes in our relationships, but I still get stuck at times. This very week I did exactly what I told you to do in last week’s newsletter. I opened up about an issue I was having regarding being vulnerable with a group of female friends.
But remember, it’s important to reach out to the right people.
I didn’t just pick any group, I was very specific. I knew these ladies were okay with vulnerability and were super supportive of one another. When I aired my concern about something I wanted [...]
Just because a lot of people say it doesn’t mean it’s true.
I used to spend a lot of time asking people their opinions on things. I needed to know what I was doing was right, what I was saying was correct and if what other people thought about me was true. I was seeking out other peoples opinion because I thought somehow they knew more than me. In the end I really realized I was seeking out their approval.
What a horrible waste of time! Not to mention a great way to sabotage my already low self-esteem.
The kicker was when I would believe [...]